The Parliament of Ghosts

I haven’t updated in a while, I know. I want to, but every time I start trying to write something, I get depressed. I mean, come on, the only thing inaccurate about my Presidential Negotiation Flowchart was that it wasn’t pessimistic enough. I literally can’t find anything interesting or clever to say about the current political climate and how fucked we are. I can’t even get overly sober about the whole thing to highlight its importance via a contrast to my usual tone. So I’m just giving up. Time to make my way in the world some other way.

That way? Pandering to nerds. If a racist hack like Jim Butcher can do it, why can’t a slightly less racist hack like myself do the same? So I have. Prepare yourself for the steampunk horror fantasy action cop noir opus of the century: the Iron Heart Cyclex. It’s a tale of a man coming to terms with what it means to be human…with a Lovecraftian twist! So enjoy, or don’t, I really don’t care anymore.

(more…)

We’ve done it, America. We’ve reached a deal to extend the debt ceiling. As a member of the OVERSEER corps, these long hard days of bipartisan compromise have finally come to fruition and I can now present to you the details of this unprecedented legislation:

• Two trillion dollars of government spending will be cut – These cuts will largely come in the form of simple waste elimination. For example, do we really need a Department of Education and a Department of Justice? Instead, efficiency will be created by consolidating all departments into the Department of Departments, which, since they would have to change the least amount of stationary, will be run by the Department of Defense, who will be trusted to impartially distribute the money they get to whatever they want.

The Aggro Crag's existence is actually mandated by the U.S. Constitution. Look it up!

• Medicare and Social Security will not be cut – However, there is a ‘trigger’ provision wherein a special deficit reduction committee will be formed and the programs will be cut if they fail to make it through a series of increasingly difficult physical challenges that finally culminates in an attempt to scale the formidable Aggro Crag.

• Medicare and Social Security will be cut – On the condition that Republicans feel like they should be cut.

• There will be no cuts to any other important social programs – However, there is another ‘trigger’ provision in the bill where if the Democrats and Republicans fail to reach a deal by November to cut conservative programs or raise taxes, then the cuts will all come from important social programs the Democrats like.

• Obama’s signature health care reform will not be repealed – Because the Republicans forgot to ask for that.

If you find yourself satisfied with this compromise for even a moment, a puppy much like this one will die.

• Nobody will be happy with the results of this bill – This is not a projection, but an actual part of the deal as it exists. Both sides agree that they hate everything about this compromise: the Democrats hate that they had to agree to cuts to everything important to them, and the Republicans hate that Democrats still exist. The President hates that he had to make all the cuts he wanted to from the beginning of the negotiations, and the Tea Party hates that BLACK PEOPLE. In the event that anyone, anywhere, is discovered to be pleased by the outcome of these negotiations, they will be given a puppy, that will then be taken from them and drowned in front of them. In the event that this does not cause the person to suffer but instead gives them an erection, they will automatically win re-election to Congress.

• The debt ceiling will be raised by over two trillion dollars – Everyone is unsure how this provision got into the bill. The most popular theory is that somebody used an old sheet of paper when printing out the bill that had this on the back of it, but at this point somebody would have to run to Office Depot to get a new thing of toner and, well, it’s just as simple to leave it in.

So those of you who were following Spacklecube at all are, at this point, almost certainly not doing so any longer, because I may have accidentally stopped updating for a couple of weeks. I am not trying to say that I am the only person on Spacklecube anyone follows, I am simply saying that I was one of the few updating fairly regularly each week, and also I am the best. Humility aside, I have a very good excuse for my sudden absence, and like most of the problems with our country, it’s Barack Obama’s fault.

See, I was a pretty fervent supporter of Obama back when he was lying to everyone about the things he would do if he became president, and I ended up signing a lot of petitions and fake birth certificates and naturalization forms for Kenyans and what-have-you, and I guess that, at some point down the line, I must have checked a box I shouldn’t because suddenly I find a black bag over my head and next thing I know I’m in a dingy basement manacled to a desk with some paper in front of me. Turns out that the EULA for one of the many grassroots sites devoted to spreading the important message that Obama was running a grassroots campaign using iPhone apps or whatever legally obligated me to be drafted into a private force at the command of POTUS. I kinda figured that technically he ran the military, but whatever–that’s not the point.

The point is, I had inadvertently signed up for part of Obama’s Volunteer Emergency Reserves for Supervising Executive Espionage on Republicans, which was apparently designed to figure out who should be put in his massive socialist re-education camps, but was now being used to fill out minor bureaucratic positions when most of the executive branch was devoted to working on the president’s re-election campaign, which has apparently been the case since Februrary 2009.

Anyway, I had been drafted into the OVERSEER corps to negotiate on behalf of the White House for these debt ceiling negotiations that have been going on. Apparently, if we don’t raise the debt ceiling, we will all be killed by Alan Greenspan’s vengeful ghost or something? I don’t know, and, more importantly, I didn’t have to know, because, for the brief moment I saw David Axelrod before he went back to raising money from Goldman Sachs executives to finance commercials about how grassroots Obama’s campaign is, I was given a flowchart and told that if I deviated from it I would be executed. I complained, but when I read the EULA I had agreed to by visiting the Obama 2008 campaign website, I realized I had given them that right.

So that’s what I’ve been doing for the past two weeks, negotiating with various officials on behalf of the White House in an attempt to raise the debt ceiling. Since that hasn’t given me much time to work on Spacklecube, I figure I can just post the flowchart I was given and use that as an update. After writing a 500+ word introduction.

I’m not very good at saving myself work.

CLICK FOR THE FULL VERSION

I’ll admit, I don’t have a ton of faith in our news media’s ability or desire to report the news. I understand that’s as controversial as saying I don’t trust razor blades to work as toilet paper, and I probably should have just dropped the “I admit” preface to avoid creating the impression I thought I was saying something shocking or revelatory, but what’s done is done. Permit me a moment to play devil’s advocate, though, and forward a truly controversial opinion (formed as a question to avoid accountability for it): what if it’s not the news media’s fault they are too incompetent or lazy to cover real stories that actually affect people’s day-to-day life in a profound way and retreat instead to scandal and gossip, but the fault of those very news stories themselves for being so damn boring? I mean, sure when congress reauthorizes the PATRIOT Act or Obama decides to drone strike some birthday party in Pakistan, it has sever repercussions on our civil liberties and kills some kids, but consider the media’s point of view. The Constitution is incredibly boring. Pakistan is really far away. Can you blame them for that? (Note: The answer to this rhetorical question is “yes.”)

Which brings me to Anthony Weiner’s penis. We’ve all seen the media response, where the only story getting as much air time as Anthony Weiner’s penis is the story about how distracted the news media is by Anthony Weiner’s penis. The media loves nothing more than literally ramming Anthony Weiner’s penis down our throats at every possible opportunity. Even though there are hugely important events happening all over the world, the media has a one-track mind, and that track is shaped like a penis—Anthony Weiner’s penis. Still, maybe we can use Anthony Weiner’s penis for good, and take the news media’s interest in all things Anthony Weiner’s penis-related and use it as a tool to direct their attention towards the things that really matter, the things that aren’t Anthony Weiner’s penis.

Consider this: We’ve all seen Anthony Weiner’s penis by now. I mean, here it is:

Anthony Weiner's penis

And here’s a picture of a camera photo of a different picture of Anthony Weiner’s penis:

Anthony Weiner's penis (image modified to protect the identity of Anthony Weiner's penis)

And here’s that same picture with Photoshop’s watercolor filter and a lens flare applied to it:

Anthony Weiner's penis (image modified to make it look like a piece of art being looked at in any video game from the late 90's)

And here’s that same picture with the original picture of Anthony Weiner’s penis photoshopped into it:

Anthony Weiner's penis (image modified to create the hilarious impression that Anthony Weiner looked at a picture of Anthony Weiner's penis taken with his iPhone to compare to his (Anthony Weiner's) penis)

The point is, Anthony Weiner’s penis has dominated our news cycle to the point where everyone has seen Anthony Weiner’s penis or, at the very least, knows about Anthony Weiner’s penis. So why can’t we take this penis—Anthony Weiner’s penis—and use it to draw attention where it’s needed?

I’ve taken it upon myself to take some real news stories that are of vital importance, and give spice them up with a seasoning I like to call “Anthony Weiner’s penis.” Now, when the news media searches for information about Anthony Weiner’s penis, they will find these news stories that could potentially be true (but are not) accompanied by realistic photos depicting Anthony Weiner’s penis’s involvement in these events. So without further ado, here are some potential news stories for you to maybe forward to the media, and maybe, just maybe, we can begin healing this country.  With Anthony Weiner’s penis.

ANTHONY WEINER’S PENIS OVERTHROWS YEMENI GOVERNMENT

U.S.-SUPPORTED PRESIDENT OUSTED AFTER WEEKS OF BRUTAL CRACKDOWNS ON PEACEFUL PROTESTS

ANTHONY WEINER’S PENIS RELEASES DISAPPOINTING JOB STATISTICS

PENIS: “FURTHER STIMULUS REQUIRED FOR EFFECTIVE ECONOMIC RECOVERY”

DISASTER-STRICKEN HAITI RECEIVES TWITPIC OF ANTHONY WEINER’S PENIS

FLOODING, MUDSLIDES HAVE CAUSED WIDESPREAD DAMAGE AND DEATHS

ANALYSIS OF WAR POWERS RESOLUTION OF 1973 DISCOVERS PICTURE OF ANTHONY WEINER’S PENIS

DOCUMENT DOES NOT, HOWEVER, PROVIDE ANY LEGAL GROUNDS FOR OBAMA’S INVASION OF LIBYA

PROTESTERS IN GOLAN HEIGHTS MOURN DEAD, WOUNDED, ANTHONY WEINER’S PENIS

ISRAELI TROOPS FIRED LIVE AMMUNITION AT UNARMED PROTESTERS

If you have any other news stories you feel need Anthony Weiner’s penis, please, let me know and I will do what I can. Together, we can raise awareness about issues by embracing Anthony Weiner’s penis. To quote Margaret Mead: “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens and Anthony Weiner’s penis can change the world; indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.”

Q: What can I get from the PlayStation Network Expanded Welcome Back Program?

A: In light of the community’s goodwill and understanding during this extended downtime, all PSN members, not just those who signed up before the outage began on April 20th, 2011, will be awarded a free error screen. This error screen will say “An error has occurred. (80710D36)” and appear whenever the user tries to access the PSN.  For many, the screen will look like this:

Though there are other, secret error screens (all with the same message) hidden throughout the PSN interface! Can you find them all?

Q: What about those games I was promised?

A: Redemption of the two free games, free month of PlayStation Plus membership, and other benefits detailed in the welcome back program is on hold for now to allow everyone to enjoy this unannounced bonus screen. As there are over 70 million subscribers to the PlayStation Network, we cannot handle the load of everyone attempting to simultaneously view this error screen and download about 2 gigabytes of data. In fact, there is no way we could possibly let everyone download their free games all at once, and it would have been foolish of us not to expect every single person to attempt to redeem their gift within hours of the program’s rollout. Instead, a select few will be permitted into the PlayStation Store to receive their free subscriber gift every few hours, chosen totally at random.

Q: Something went wrong, I can’t see the error screen!

A: Have you tried doing anything at all with the PlayStation Network? Many features of the PlayStation 3 do not actually require a connection to the PlayStation Network. To redeem your free error screen, please use any feature that requires a connection to the PlayStation Network, such as the PlayStation Store.

Q: Do I only get one error screen?

A: No! Sony understands how important these error screens are to the community, and rather than risk some users failing to receive this Welcome Back gift, we have decided to allow the user to access this error screen whenever they wish, simply by connecting to the PlayStation Network or PlayStation Store!

Q: What if I get a different error number?

A: That indicates an actual error occurring with your PlayStation 3 console, and is not part of the welcome back program. For example, error 80023102 indicates that you have tried to redeem your regular Welcome Back gift early. To dissuade this behavior, anyone receiving this error will lose one of their other welcome back gifts, seemingly at random.

Q: What about error number 8002A4A6?

A: This error code indicates you have Type II Diabetes.

Q: When will this special welcome back promotion end?

A: It is unknown at this time how long the promotion will last, but rest assured our announcements of its duration will be vague and largely unsatisfying!

Q: Hey, that guy in your commercials, is he…you know?

A: You mean the guy who looks like if Jim Gaffigan went to business school?

Q: Yeah, him.

A: What about him?

Q: It’s just, me and my friend had a bet, and we were wondering if he, uh, experiences error code 69ADUDE, if you know what I mean?

A: Unfortunately, it is Sony policy not to release personal information, with the exception of the information of our 70 million users, which is available to any teenager who posts on 4chan.

It’s been a little while since I last updated with anything that wasn’t one of my cool videos.  In fact, Spacklecube as a whole has been kind of dead, with only David’s truly insane dreamworld and Alex’s incredibly banal dreamworld breaking up the boredom.  For my part, I’ve been busy, and unlike some people, I don’t have a cushy office job where I can just sit around all day and not update Spacklecube.  No, I do the work of a real man: trying to justify my existence to myself.  Well I have managed to stop doing that for almost TWO WHOLE HOURS and now I can present you with some of that brand new Spacklecube content you have all come to know and love with:

10 Amendments in the Renewed USA PATRIOT Act You Might Not Have Known About

could you honestly say you would give a shit if these things got waterboarded

1. The Sessions-Baucus Amendment legally redefines terrorists from “enemy combatants” to “a fairly persistent species of spider,” which means they no longer have human rights. Bush Lawyer John Yoo long pushed for this provision, now embraced by the Obama administration. His legal basis for the argument was that, “nobody cares about what happens to spiders, because they are fucking terrifying.”

2. After a difficult weeks-long procedural battle the Paul-Sanders Amendment was adopted. This amendment specifies that provisions of the PATRIOT Act can only be used on suspected terrorists.

3. After a 3-minute meeting in the White House between Lindsay Graham, Barack Obama, and Harry Reid, a rider was added to the Paul-Sanders Amendment defining a “terrorist” as “an individual who has done something that may or may not be bad anywhere, ever,” and “suspected” as “literally anyone.” After meeting with Chuck Schumer, the subclause, “who makes less than $1,000,000 in pre-tax revenue per year” was added to the provision. The amendment was passed while Senators Rand Paul and Bernie Sanders were waiting at the park behind the Capitol Building where they had been told that pretty girl they have a crush on wanted to talk to them.

seriously, fuck this guy

4. The Feinstein-McConnell amendment adds provisions on leaking classified information. The Subversive Nationals Implicated in Trafficking Classified or Harmful Executive Secrets Get Secret Trials, Interment, Two in the Chest, and Hospital Emergency Services Amendment prescribes harsh penalties for anyone accused of leaking classified information. When asked about the SNITCHES Get STITCHES Amendment, Sen. Feinstein said, “Bitches best watch who they talk to, ‘fore they find themselves in solitary confinement six feet deep.”

5. The Lieberman Amendment requires that somebody, anybody, pay attention to this sad little sack of pig excrement.

6. The Default Classification Amendment now instantly classifies all use of the English language by government employees. Any use of the English language in a building where “government business is conducted” is immediately classified as SECRET/NOFORN. Any conversations with the President or White House Press Conferences are classified as TOP SECRET.  The sponsors of this bill are unknown, as their sponsorship was retroactively classified by the passage of the bill.

a FOIA request can be filed to read the constitution but unfortunately FOIA is also classified now

7. A rider added by Sen. Inhofe expands the Default Classification Amendment to include the constitution.  All public versions of the Constitution now read “We the people, [REDACTED].” Citation of the Constitution in open session of congress can now be prosecuted under the Espionage Act.

8. The Look Out Behind You Amendment specifies that the American public be informed if the calls are coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE!

9. The Huge Subsidies to Bribe Senators Who Pretend to be Principled Amendment, also known as the Lincoln-Nelson Amendment, specifies that Blanche Lincoln and Ben Nelson be allowed to “back up a truck to Fort Knox and take whatever they want as long as they stop talking to the media right now.”

10. The Internet List-Based Comedy Amendment specifies that “lists of items intended for either comedic effect, the provocation of discussion, or both” are “incredibly fucking lazy” and that anyone who produces one “should just fucking kill themselves.” A rider was added noting that, “if Google would change their algorithm so suicide increased a site’s page rank, we could solve this problem overnight.”