Meet the New Act, Same as the Old Act
| date: | Tuesday, May 31, 2011 - 11:35 PM UTC |
| category: | Apologies for a Long Absence, National Security |
| tags: | barack obama, barely restrained self-loathing, how do you waterboard a spider, joe lieberman is a shit house, politics, redacted, search engine optimization, secret documents, the SNITCHES get STITCHES amendment, the USA PATRIOT act |
It’s been a little while since I last updated with anything that wasn’t one of my cool videos. In fact, Spacklecube as a whole has been kind of dead, with only David’s truly insane dreamworld and Alex’s incredibly banal dreamworld breaking up the boredom. For my part, I’ve been busy, and unlike some people, I don’t have a cushy office job where I can just sit around all day and not update Spacklecube. No, I do the work of a real man: trying to justify my existence to myself. Well I have managed to stop doing that for almost TWO WHOLE HOURS and now I can present you with some of that brand new Spacklecube content you have all come to know and love with:
10 Amendments in the Renewed USA PATRIOT Act You Might Not Have Known About
could you honestly say you would give a shit if these things got waterboarded
1. The Sessions-Baucus Amendment legally redefines terrorists from “enemy combatants” to “a fairly persistent species of spider,” which means they no longer have human rights. Bush Lawyer John Yoo long pushed for this provision, now embraced by the Obama administration. His legal basis for the argument was that, “nobody cares about what happens to spiders, because they are fucking terrifying.”
2. After a difficult weeks-long procedural battle the Paul-Sanders Amendment was adopted. This amendment specifies that provisions of the PATRIOT Act can only be used on suspected terrorists.
3. After a 3-minute meeting in the White House between Lindsay Graham, Barack Obama, and Harry Reid, a rider was added to the Paul-Sanders Amendment defining a “terrorist” as “an individual who has done something that may or may not be bad anywhere, ever,” and “suspected” as “literally anyone.” After meeting with Chuck Schumer, the subclause, “who makes less than $1,000,000 in pre-tax revenue per year” was added to the provision. The amendment was passed while Senators Rand Paul and Bernie Sanders were waiting at the park behind the Capitol Building where they had been told that pretty girl they have a crush on wanted to talk to them.
seriously, fuck this guy
4. The Feinstein-McConnell amendment adds provisions on leaking classified information. The Subversive Nationals Implicated in Trafficking Classified or Harmful Executive Secrets Get Secret Trials, Interment, Two in the Chest, and Hospital Emergency Services Amendment prescribes harsh penalties for anyone accused of leaking classified information. When asked about the SNITCHES Get STITCHES Amendment, Sen. Feinstein said, “Bitches best watch who they talk to, ‘fore they find themselves in solitary confinement six feet deep.”
5. The Lieberman Amendment requires that somebody, anybody, pay attention to this sad little sack of pig excrement.
6. The Default Classification Amendment now instantly classifies all use of the English language by government employees. Any use of the English language in a building where “government business is conducted” is immediately classified as SECRET/NOFORN. Any conversations with the President or White House Press Conferences are classified as TOP SECRET. The sponsors of this bill are unknown, as their sponsorship was retroactively classified by the passage of the bill.
a FOIA request can be filed to read the constitution but unfortunately FOIA is also classified now
7. A rider added by Sen. Inhofe expands the Default Classification Amendment to include the constitution. All public versions of the Constitution now read “We the people, [REDACTED].” Citation of the Constitution in open session of congress can now be prosecuted under the Espionage Act.
8. The Look Out Behind You Amendment specifies that the American public be informed if the calls are coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE!
9. The Huge Subsidies to Bribe Senators Who Pretend to be Principled Amendment, also known as the Lincoln-Nelson Amendment, specifies that Blanche Lincoln and Ben Nelson be allowed to “back up a truck to Fort Knox and take whatever they want as long as they stop talking to the media right now.”
10. The Internet List-Based Comedy Amendment specifies that “lists of items intended for either comedic effect, the provocation of discussion, or both” are “incredibly fucking lazy” and that anyone who produces one “should just fucking kill themselves.” A rider was added noting that, “if Google would change their algorithm so suicide increased a site’s page rank, we could solve this problem overnight.”