The Parliament of Ghosts

I’ll admit, I don’t have a ton of faith in our news media’s ability or desire to report the news. I understand that’s as controversial as saying I don’t trust razor blades to work as toilet paper, and I probably should have just dropped the “I admit” preface to avoid creating the impression I thought I was saying something shocking or revelatory, but what’s done is done. Permit me a moment to play devil’s advocate, though, and forward a truly controversial opinion (formed as a question to avoid accountability for it): what if it’s not the news media’s fault they are too incompetent or lazy to cover real stories that actually affect people’s day-to-day life in a profound way and retreat instead to scandal and gossip, but the fault of those very news stories themselves for being so damn boring? I mean, sure when congress reauthorizes the PATRIOT Act or Obama decides to drone strike some birthday party in Pakistan, it has sever repercussions on our civil liberties and kills some kids, but consider the media’s point of view. The Constitution is incredibly boring. Pakistan is really far away. Can you blame them for that? (Note: The answer to this rhetorical question is “yes.”)

Which brings me to Anthony Weiner’s penis. We’ve all seen the media response, where the only story getting as much air time as Anthony Weiner’s penis is the story about how distracted the news media is by Anthony Weiner’s penis. The media loves nothing more than literally ramming Anthony Weiner’s penis down our throats at every possible opportunity. Even though there are hugely important events happening all over the world, the media has a one-track mind, and that track is shaped like a penis—Anthony Weiner’s penis. Still, maybe we can use Anthony Weiner’s penis for good, and take the news media’s interest in all things Anthony Weiner’s penis-related and use it as a tool to direct their attention towards the things that really matter, the things that aren’t Anthony Weiner’s penis.

Consider this: We’ve all seen Anthony Weiner’s penis by now. I mean, here it is:

Anthony Weiner's penis

And here’s a picture of a camera photo of a different picture of Anthony Weiner’s penis:

Anthony Weiner's penis (image modified to protect the identity of Anthony Weiner's penis)

And here’s that same picture with Photoshop’s watercolor filter and a lens flare applied to it:

Anthony Weiner's penis (image modified to make it look like a piece of art being looked at in any video game from the late 90's)

And here’s that same picture with the original picture of Anthony Weiner’s penis photoshopped into it:

Anthony Weiner's penis (image modified to create the hilarious impression that Anthony Weiner looked at a picture of Anthony Weiner's penis taken with his iPhone to compare to his (Anthony Weiner's) penis)

The point is, Anthony Weiner’s penis has dominated our news cycle to the point where everyone has seen Anthony Weiner’s penis or, at the very least, knows about Anthony Weiner’s penis. So why can’t we take this penis—Anthony Weiner’s penis—and use it to draw attention where it’s needed?

I’ve taken it upon myself to take some real news stories that are of vital importance, and give spice them up with a seasoning I like to call “Anthony Weiner’s penis.” Now, when the news media searches for information about Anthony Weiner’s penis, they will find these news stories that could potentially be true (but are not) accompanied by realistic photos depicting Anthony Weiner’s penis’s involvement in these events. So without further ado, here are some potential news stories for you to maybe forward to the media, and maybe, just maybe, we can begin healing this country.  With Anthony Weiner’s penis.

ANTHONY WEINER’S PENIS OVERTHROWS YEMENI GOVERNMENT

U.S.-SUPPORTED PRESIDENT OUSTED AFTER WEEKS OF BRUTAL CRACKDOWNS ON PEACEFUL PROTESTS

ANTHONY WEINER’S PENIS RELEASES DISAPPOINTING JOB STATISTICS

PENIS: “FURTHER STIMULUS REQUIRED FOR EFFECTIVE ECONOMIC RECOVERY”

DISASTER-STRICKEN HAITI RECEIVES TWITPIC OF ANTHONY WEINER’S PENIS

FLOODING, MUDSLIDES HAVE CAUSED WIDESPREAD DAMAGE AND DEATHS

ANALYSIS OF WAR POWERS RESOLUTION OF 1973 DISCOVERS PICTURE OF ANTHONY WEINER’S PENIS

DOCUMENT DOES NOT, HOWEVER, PROVIDE ANY LEGAL GROUNDS FOR OBAMA’S INVASION OF LIBYA

PROTESTERS IN GOLAN HEIGHTS MOURN DEAD, WOUNDED, ANTHONY WEINER’S PENIS

ISRAELI TROOPS FIRED LIVE AMMUNITION AT UNARMED PROTESTERS

If you have any other news stories you feel need Anthony Weiner’s penis, please, let me know and I will do what I can. Together, we can raise awareness about issues by embracing Anthony Weiner’s penis. To quote Margaret Mead: “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens and Anthony Weiner’s penis can change the world; indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.”

Q: What can I get from the PlayStation Network Expanded Welcome Back Program?

A: In light of the community’s goodwill and understanding during this extended downtime, all PSN members, not just those who signed up before the outage began on April 20th, 2011, will be awarded a free error screen. This error screen will say “An error has occurred. (80710D36)” and appear whenever the user tries to access the PSN.  For many, the screen will look like this:

Though there are other, secret error screens (all with the same message) hidden throughout the PSN interface! Can you find them all?

Q: What about those games I was promised?

A: Redemption of the two free games, free month of PlayStation Plus membership, and other benefits detailed in the welcome back program is on hold for now to allow everyone to enjoy this unannounced bonus screen. As there are over 70 million subscribers to the PlayStation Network, we cannot handle the load of everyone attempting to simultaneously view this error screen and download about 2 gigabytes of data. In fact, there is no way we could possibly let everyone download their free games all at once, and it would have been foolish of us not to expect every single person to attempt to redeem their gift within hours of the program’s rollout. Instead, a select few will be permitted into the PlayStation Store to receive their free subscriber gift every few hours, chosen totally at random.

Q: Something went wrong, I can’t see the error screen!

A: Have you tried doing anything at all with the PlayStation Network? Many features of the PlayStation 3 do not actually require a connection to the PlayStation Network. To redeem your free error screen, please use any feature that requires a connection to the PlayStation Network, such as the PlayStation Store.

Q: Do I only get one error screen?

A: No! Sony understands how important these error screens are to the community, and rather than risk some users failing to receive this Welcome Back gift, we have decided to allow the user to access this error screen whenever they wish, simply by connecting to the PlayStation Network or PlayStation Store!

Q: What if I get a different error number?

A: That indicates an actual error occurring with your PlayStation 3 console, and is not part of the welcome back program. For example, error 80023102 indicates that you have tried to redeem your regular Welcome Back gift early. To dissuade this behavior, anyone receiving this error will lose one of their other welcome back gifts, seemingly at random.

Q: What about error number 8002A4A6?

A: This error code indicates you have Type II Diabetes.

Q: When will this special welcome back promotion end?

A: It is unknown at this time how long the promotion will last, but rest assured our announcements of its duration will be vague and largely unsatisfying!

Q: Hey, that guy in your commercials, is he…you know?

A: You mean the guy who looks like if Jim Gaffigan went to business school?

Q: Yeah, him.

A: What about him?

Q: It’s just, me and my friend had a bet, and we were wondering if he, uh, experiences error code 69ADUDE, if you know what I mean?

A: Unfortunately, it is Sony policy not to release personal information, with the exception of the information of our 70 million users, which is available to any teenager who posts on 4chan.