The Parliament of Ghosts

We’ve done it, America. We’ve reached a deal to extend the debt ceiling. As a member of the OVERSEER corps, these long hard days of bipartisan compromise have finally come to fruition and I can now present to you the details of this unprecedented legislation:

• Two trillion dollars of government spending will be cut – These cuts will largely come in the form of simple waste elimination. For example, do we really need a Department of Education and a Department of Justice? Instead, efficiency will be created by consolidating all departments into the Department of Departments, which, since they would have to change the least amount of stationary, will be run by the Department of Defense, who will be trusted to impartially distribute the money they get to whatever they want.

The Aggro Crag's existence is actually mandated by the U.S. Constitution. Look it up!

• Medicare and Social Security will not be cut – However, there is a ‘trigger’ provision wherein a special deficit reduction committee will be formed and the programs will be cut if they fail to make it through a series of increasingly difficult physical challenges that finally culminates in an attempt to scale the formidable Aggro Crag.

• Medicare and Social Security will be cut – On the condition that Republicans feel like they should be cut.

• There will be no cuts to any other important social programs – However, there is another ‘trigger’ provision in the bill where if the Democrats and Republicans fail to reach a deal by November to cut conservative programs or raise taxes, then the cuts will all come from important social programs the Democrats like.

• Obama’s signature health care reform will not be repealed – Because the Republicans forgot to ask for that.

If you find yourself satisfied with this compromise for even a moment, a puppy much like this one will die.

• Nobody will be happy with the results of this bill – This is not a projection, but an actual part of the deal as it exists. Both sides agree that they hate everything about this compromise: the Democrats hate that they had to agree to cuts to everything important to them, and the Republicans hate that Democrats still exist. The President hates that he had to make all the cuts he wanted to from the beginning of the negotiations, and the Tea Party hates that BLACK PEOPLE. In the event that anyone, anywhere, is discovered to be pleased by the outcome of these negotiations, they will be given a puppy, that will then be taken from them and drowned in front of them. In the event that this does not cause the person to suffer but instead gives them an erection, they will automatically win re-election to Congress.

• The debt ceiling will be raised by over two trillion dollars – Everyone is unsure how this provision got into the bill. The most popular theory is that somebody used an old sheet of paper when printing out the bill that had this on the back of it, but at this point somebody would have to run to Office Depot to get a new thing of toner and, well, it’s just as simple to leave it in.

So those of you who were following Spacklecube at all are, at this point, almost certainly not doing so any longer, because I may have accidentally stopped updating for a couple of weeks. I am not trying to say that I am the only person on Spacklecube anyone follows, I am simply saying that I was one of the few updating fairly regularly each week, and also I am the best. Humility aside, I have a very good excuse for my sudden absence, and like most of the problems with our country, it’s Barack Obama’s fault.

See, I was a pretty fervent supporter of Obama back when he was lying to everyone about the things he would do if he became president, and I ended up signing a lot of petitions and fake birth certificates and naturalization forms for Kenyans and what-have-you, and I guess that, at some point down the line, I must have checked a box I shouldn’t because suddenly I find a black bag over my head and next thing I know I’m in a dingy basement manacled to a desk with some paper in front of me. Turns out that the EULA for one of the many grassroots sites devoted to spreading the important message that Obama was running a grassroots campaign using iPhone apps or whatever legally obligated me to be drafted into a private force at the command of POTUS. I kinda figured that technically he ran the military, but whatever–that’s not the point.

The point is, I had inadvertently signed up for part of Obama’s Volunteer Emergency Reserves for Supervising Executive Espionage on Republicans, which was apparently designed to figure out who should be put in his massive socialist re-education camps, but was now being used to fill out minor bureaucratic positions when most of the executive branch was devoted to working on the president’s re-election campaign, which has apparently been the case since Februrary 2009.

Anyway, I had been drafted into the OVERSEER corps to negotiate on behalf of the White House for these debt ceiling negotiations that have been going on. Apparently, if we don’t raise the debt ceiling, we will all be killed by Alan Greenspan’s vengeful ghost or something? I don’t know, and, more importantly, I didn’t have to know, because, for the brief moment I saw David Axelrod before he went back to raising money from Goldman Sachs executives to finance commercials about how grassroots Obama’s campaign is, I was given a flowchart and told that if I deviated from it I would be executed. I complained, but when I read the EULA I had agreed to by visiting the Obama 2008 campaign website, I realized I had given them that right.

So that’s what I’ve been doing for the past two weeks, negotiating with various officials on behalf of the White House in an attempt to raise the debt ceiling. Since that hasn’t given me much time to work on Spacklecube, I figure I can just post the flowchart I was given and use that as an update. After writing a 500+ word introduction.

I’m not very good at saving myself work.

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