Welcome back to Spacklecube. It’s been almost two years since our unique brand of failure to update and attempts to break my WordPress theme disappeared from the internet. So what happened? Well the site’s abandonment did coincide with Barack Obama’s ascension to the Presidency. And our return has coincided with the beginning of the protests known as the Arab Spring. You can draw whatever conclusions you want from that information. I’ll only say this: Middle East, you’re welcome. Enjoy your democracy.
After such a long absence that I can neither confirm nor deny involved a deep undercover operative setting himself on fire at the behest of the Barack Obama administration, it might behoove us to reintroduce ourselves. However, since every other person on this site is lazy, shiftless, or suffering from serious third degree burns, the introductions will be left to me. So without further ado, I present to you the illustrious members of Spacklecube, and brief summary of the special talents they have that would make them valuable in, say, an NSA operation to begin widespread protests and revolution in the Middle East:
Cyrus is me. The team leader, the no-nonsense cigar-chomping dictator who manages to hold this group together through sheer force of will–but I also have a softer side. My crew may hate me at times, but they know I’ll always get them back safely, if your definition of “safely” includes “covered in third degree burns.”
Ozzie is the soulful poet, the one who really thinks about the things we do. The one who asks the hard questions. The one who loves just two things: his fellow man, and the ability of his fellow man to catch on fire. He also has a guitar, which I think he enjoys playing.
Lord Hambrose is the money man, the landed British aristocracy with a contact in every city. He is also a master of disguise, able to blend into any crowd, whether wearing a finely-tailored tuxedo or dressed as a simple mechanic carrying a can of gasoline. Lord Hambrose is not, however, his real name. To this point, nobody has managed to find out that he is actually the Queen of England, her majesty Elizabeth II.
Trey is the one who can talk his way out of any situation, whether a police interrogation about a supposed self-immolation that doesn’t quite add up, to an intense car chase away from a burning police station. In the latter, he mostly talked with his customized Glock, “Petunia.” By shooting bullets out of it, and into people.
Meghann is the planner, the one who can meticulously break down the ins and outs of a situation, and figure out exactly which piece goes where on the chessboard, and when one of them should be set on fire. If you stick to her plan, nothing will go wrong.
The Brick Imp is a loose cannon, who doesn’t stick to anyone’s plans. He’s an ace demolitions expert who knows exactly how much fire-retardant material it would take to allow an operative to survive total immolation, and knows exactly how much less fire-retardant material to use if you want the operative’s immolation to both look and be real. Nobody knows his real name, and some suspect he may have forgotten it himself.
Finley is a really cool dog. He is always accompanied by a handler, “Finley’s Mom,” who makes sure that he is, to quote, “A good boy.”
Nick is the crazy one, the madman who you can never remember why he is in the group until the moment he rescues everyone through his unorthodox thinking. Also, he is a hypnotist who makes us all forget why he is in the group. And maybe a wizard who can start fires with his mind.
Zac is our Mata Hari, the one whose overwhelming sex appeal can be used in any situation. One day, he might use his wiles to distract and drug a fellow operative so he can be set on fire. The next, he might use it to get a pretty lady to touch his junk. He’s versatile, invaluable, and dangerous, just like gold silly putty covered in spiders.
David is the mystic, the man who has an uncanny sixth sense that allows him to know exactly when a person has been set on fire. Unfortunately, his powerful mysticism makes it difficult for him to perform simple technical tasks that the entire team could do easily, such as setting up his own blog.
William is the guy we set on fire.
